Our Miscarriage Story
“Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her. ”
Trying.
When Giulian turned two we knew it was about time to start trying for another baby. You know how that goes, planning the perfect age gap, figuring out which month we’d like him/her to be born, thinking which month would be best to get pregnant based on our insurance, and scheduling pregnancy around our vacations. I was even planning baby #2 with one of my best friends, we figured since our first babies were just a few weeks apart, the second set of babies needed to be the exact same age too (ladies, that’s a sure fire way to set yourself up for massive disappointment so I wouldn’t recommend it). Nick and I were thinking we were in control and could plan everything. Well, even before the miscarriage part of this story we were quickly reminded that we’re not in control at all and that life doesn’t always go according to your well strategized plan.
It took us 4 months of trying to finally conceive. Each month of trying was such an emotional roller-coaster. We started trying in August and sure enough, my friend got pregnant month one so I felt like the pressure was on, if our second set of babies were gonna be close I needed to make this happen (eye roll). Each month I thought surely I had to be pregnant, so I’d even act as if I was pregnant for a few weeks leading into my period, I wouldn’t drink, I’d push myself less in workouts and I was even less strict on my diet because “oh I must be pregnant” (insert another eye roll). Each month I gained a little more weight and a little more but I wasn’t even pregnant. Every time my period would come I was a mess, I’d cry a ton and started to worry that we couldn’t have more babies. To add to the drama, I turned 30 in the thick of trying. I was thrilled to be in my 30’s except for what people say about your eggs and trying to conceive. I started to think, are my best days to conceive over? I know some of you are probably laughing at that and planning on having kids at 40, but I was starting to freak out a bit. Finally in November I started to run consistently again and started to feel like less of a crazy person.
I’m Pregnant!!
The second week in November we were visiting my grandparents in Maryland. Before we left for the trip I was spotting a bit so I thought, here comes my period again, I’m not pregnant. Traveling with a toddler is super hectic and my mind was preoccupied. A few more days went by and my mom asked if I actually had started my period, no I guess I hadn’t. We went to the store and got some pregnancy tests. The next morning I took the test and the moment I peed on that stick a second line appeared, it was clear as day PREGNANT. I was so freaking excited, I ran into my mom’s room and told her, then crying I told my Grandma! It was the best news. I felt such a weight lifted, so at peace and so grateful.
Later that day we went shopping to find the perfect “brother” shirt for Giulian so we could share the news with Nick in a special way. We found one that said brother in all different languages, even Italian, it was perfect for us! I planned on waiting until Nick picked us up from the airport to share the good news but I couldn’t wait that many days so we FaceTimed him and I casually showed him Giulian’s new shirt. He said, “oh cute” and totally didn’t get the announcement. Once I showed him the positive pregnancy test he was just the cutest, his face was in pure shock and then joy. He preceded to tell me how he was making a new vision board and put the picture of us with Giulian’s ultrasound on it so we could focus on what we wanted, another baby. It all felt right, I felt so overwhelmed with peace and gratitude, after all that trying we’d finally have another baby.
Little Clues.
Thinking back to the moments of joy make me so sad. Sad that we aren’t having this baby and sad that I’ll never feel that way again. Even when we get pregnant again, it won’t be that peaceful bliss that we’ve had before, it’ll be wrapped in fear of it happening again.
My pregnancy was going great, in the very beginning weeks I was ultra thirsty, hungry and tired just like I was with Giulian. Things weren’t quite the same though. With Giulian’s pregnancy I remember being so exhausted that I would literally sleep all day and night and still feel this overwhelming exhaustion. With this pregnancy I was tired, but not the same exhaustion I had previously experienced. I remember brushing it off and saying “I must just be more used to being tired and better at pushing through than I was back then”. In hindsight I realize that it just wasn’t the same. I didn’t have severe nausea with Giulian so when I didn’t experience much at all with this pregnancy I thought it was normal. There were little things I questioned though, one being strange but it popped in my mind often. When I was pregnant with Giulian and would take a shower, when the hot water would hit my belly it was such a weird sensation, almost like it was hyper sensitive and I would immediately move away from the water. I had that the entire pregnancy with G and I never felt it once with this pregnancy. I’ve never heard another woman talk about that feeling so this time around I figured, “oh it must be normal that I’m not feeling it”.
Around 9 weeks I started to feel a little too good. I started to feel energetic again, less hungry and less thirsty. I was trying not to complain or overthink it but I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. If I was simply having a perfect, symptom free pregnancy I didn’t want to be the person who was complaining about that so I was trying to just show gratitude for my “great pregnancy”. People would ask how I’m feeling and I would respond “I’m so lucky I have easy pregnancies”. In the back of my mind I was a bit worried.
The Appointment.
I started this blog post over a week ago and this part of the story brought me to a halt. This is where it gets hard. A few days leading up to the appointment I started getting some anxiety, I started getting nervous/anxious about the appointment, which was unlike our first appointment with Giulian. I kept mentioning I was nervous because I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. The night before the appointment I didn’t hardly sleep at all, I was up all night worried. The morning of the appointment my anxiety was at an all time high, so bad that I felt nauseous, which of course I was excited about because maybe just maybe it was a symptom. There was a part of me that knew. I kept telling Nick I was worried about this appointment. Women have strong intuitions, in our souls we usually know the truth about things, whether we want to realize that or not. I so badly wanted my intuitions to be wrong that day.
When we were getting ready to leave, Nick was putting Giulian’s shoes and coat on and with the biggest smile on his face he kept saying “Giulian are you excited to go see your baby brother?!”. Nick was radiating with joy and excitement. I thought in my head “wow this is gonna be hard, he’s gonna be devastated”. I would have never said it out loud because at this point Nick thought I was nuts for worrying, and heck maybe (hopefully) I was, but there was a part of me that just knew what was coming.
Fast forward to the ultrasound room. There were three women in there because they got new machines and two women were training the tech how to use them. When the ultrasound started my heart sank. There was a split second where I thought, oh look there’s my baby, everything is okay. But then I realized it just wasn’t the same as when we saw Giulian at our first appointment with him. With Giulian, you could immediately hear a heartbeat and that little pea-pod you saw on the screen had movement. This time around I heard nothing and saw zero movement, I only saw what looked like a lifeless baby. The ultrasound tech hadn’t said anything yet but my fears were already validated. The worst part was looking at Nick’s face, he was unsuspecting and starry-eyed. He had no clue, to him he was looking at another healthy baby.
At this point nothing was said but a few mumbles from the ultrasound tech to the other women about the measurements. Then the two women said, “we’ll step out”, just like you see in the movies before the bad news comes. The ultrasound tech started to talk but before she could say much I interrupted her and said “I didn’t see a heartbeat?”. She quickly responded, “yes I’m sorry there was no heartbeat. Your baby died around 8.5 weeks based on measurements, so about 1.5 weeks ago.” I immediately started balling, it felt like a movie. I preceded to ask questions like why, what caused this, what happened and the woman simply said, I’ll have a midwife come in to talk to you and left. Nick was tearing up, Giulian was concerned and I was hysterical. It felt like slow motion and I honestly just wanted to get out of there. Giulian grabbed my face and said “Mommy crying. It’s okay Mommy.” He’s the sweetest. Of course that sweet little voice brought me comfort, through all of this he’s brought me comfort.
When the midwife came in to talk to us, she answered all of our questions and let us know what to expect. She said we have a few options, we could have the miscarriage naturally but she said it could be some time before that happened, or we could schedule a D & C at the hospital and have everything removed. Removed. That word sucked to hear. We chose to try to have the miscarriage naturally. The thought of a D & C terrified me, it’s a full out surgery where you go under anesthesia and all. I have had low platelet counts, which effects the ability for your blood to clot, so we had to test my levels to make sure it’d even be safe for me to have the miscarriage at home. The results came back a few days later and they were just below the normal range but not enough for me or the midwife to be super concerned about it.
Our appointment was on December 17th and I didn’t end up having the miscarriage until after Christmas, I believe it was the 29th.
That waiting period was torture. It was a few weeks of wondering will it happen today. I’m grateful I had Christmas to distract me during that time, so so grateful for that. Otherwise I would have gone crazy. That waiting time was sad because I didn’t know what to refer to myself as. I’m pregnant but I’m not actually pregnant because my baby didn’t make it. I kept thinking to myself “I’m carrying around a dead baby. This is messed up.” Sorry to be morbid but that was something that I thought often.
The Miscarriage.
* You might not want to read this part, it’s a bit graphic and maybe TMI for some of you.
I’ve been putting off writing this part of the story for weeks now. It’s so painful to think about. When I had the miscarriage, I just sort of powered through and then it was done. It was all a blur. I was on autopilot and I don’t think I’ve fully processed it all. Still. Women are amazing. We go through some seriously hard stuff and then most women don’t even talk about it. They put a smile on and keep going. Women are strong. Even though right now I don’t feel strong.
I think part of why I don’t want to talk about the miscarriage is because it was scary. When I think back to it I’m just grateful things didn’t go terribly wrong. Like I mentioned before, my platelet levels are lower than normal, which basically means you have a chance of bleeding too much in situations like this. Well, at one point I thought that was happening.
The actual miscarriage lasted from about midnight until like 7am. I had talked to so many women during my waiting period, I was trying to figure out exactly what to expect, there was a huge fear of the unknown. Most of the women said things like, you’ll have a ton of cramping, lots of clots will pass, the bleeding is super heavy, etc. But until you actually experience it for yourself, those are just words that only create a partial picture. Just like if you’re reading this, there’s just no way to fully explain the physical and emotional aspects of a miscarriage. Especially if you’re not great with words like myself.
There was a lot of bleeding but mainly in the form of huge clots. I’m not even certain they were actual blood clots, but they were a jelly like tissue covered with blood. If you’re after a certain # of weeks pregnant, you have to pass the placenta, which I had to, maybe that’s what I was seeing. When you’re having a miscarriage you don’t quite know what is what, your body is passing a ton of stuff. For me personally the cramping was painful but it was way less painful than I thought it’d be. I was expecting birth type contractions and this was more of period cramping. I’m sure it can be different for all women but that’s what I experienced. I was up all night, every 30 min or so I’d go into the bathroom and another huge clot thing would pass. I would feel when they were trying to come out and standing up from bed would help, gravity I suppose. In the early hours of the miscarriage I passed what I think was the baby. I didn’t look. On my pad was a large grey tissue looking thing. It was roundish and white/grey. It was the only thing I passed that didn’t appear to be a clot like material. It was more of a tissue like I said. I saw it and in a split second I put it in the toilet and flushed. I didn’t want to see something that would haunt me forever. My baby app on my phone said my baby’s toes were forming, which means it was starting to look like less of a fetus and more like a baby. I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing that. The picture in my head of the ultrasound we have is enough to break my heart. I still get sad when I think about the idea of flushing my baby down a toilet. It feels heartless. I know some women want to find it and are curious, but I wasn’t. It felt like it’d be too heart wrenching to see. Some women don’t have a choice which breaks my heart, women who are further along in their pregnancy don’t have the option, they’ll have to see their lifeless baby.
At one point during the miscarriage I tried to get some sleep. I woke up to blood everywhere, I had bled through my pad (which was more like a diaper), and it was all over me and our bed. I got up to go into the bathroom and started to realize something was wrong. I couldn’t see where I was going, my limbs were numb and I knew I was going to pass out. I felt weak, lightheaded and out of it. I sat down on the toilet and massive amounts of blood, tissue and clots just poured out. I was freaking out. All that was going through my head is the midwife saying it’d probably be safer to have the miscarriage in a hospital. I was terrified. I kept yelling for Nick. He was in Giulian’s room because G had woken up a while before, I think the noise from me up all night was making it hard for him to sleep. I yelled for Nick countless times and I was seriously freaking out that he wasn’t going to come. He was asleep in G’s room where the white noise in on loud, and Nick is the hardest person to wake up. I had so many thoughts in that moment. “Am I going to die? Is my husband going to find me on the floor in the morning? This is not happening. Just keep yelling, just don’t pass out and keep yelling for him.” Nick finally came into the bathroom and I told him I’m not okay, I need help. Nick said he never heard me yell for him, he just woke up with a feeling that he should check on me. Thank God. He called the midwife on call and he got me some water. Praise Jesus the water helped. I chugged so much water in that moment, tons. It was starting to help so I just kept chugging. I thought, this is working, I’m gonna be okay. I don’t recall any other time in my 30 years of being alive that I actually thought I might be dying. It scared the living shit out of me and the thought of it still does. I thought I might pass out and just keep bleeding, maybe too much because of the platelets and I’ll die. This is a big part of why I’ve procrastinated writing this part of the story. I don’t really like thinking back to that moment. It just made it so much harder. That day for me was sad and scary and I just don’t think I’ve fully processed it yet if I’m being honest. I haven’t come to a peaceful place about the miscarriage yet. I’m sure I will over time but as I’m writing this it’s been exactly one month and it’s still too raw. I lost my baby. The fact that little thing growing in me would one day have had it’s own little personality just breaks my heart to think about. For now I prefer to think of it in medical terms to help process it and feel less emotional. If I think of the baby as a fetus instead, that helps. If I think of it as genetic abnormalities that caused my body to abort the pregnancy, that helps. If I remind myself that I’m not alone or special because 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, that helps.
When Nick called the midwife, he also called my mom. This is the only part of the blog post I’ve cried while writing. She was amazing. The amount of love and gratitude I have for that woman is something I can’t even begin to tell. She was my hero that day. You know when sometimes you just need a mom hug? Well I for sure needed a mom hug when she came over. She took care of me the whole day. She cleaned, grocery shopped, made stew that was high in Iron (much needed), took care of Giulian and checked on me. She was there for me in every way possible that day. Nick was amazing too, but he had a leadership event that day that he couldn’t miss. My mom came to the rescue. I’m beyond grateful for our family and amazing friends. I had so many people show up for me in ways I would have never thought. So many people sent or brought flowers, cards, brought food, etc. I just felt so overwhelmed by the support of our village. We are so blessed to have such loving people in our lives.
Our journey isn’t over, there is more grieving to go through and more peace to find. I wanted to share each stage of the journey, not just when I “feel better”. And of course I’m praying I get to share a rainbow baby story with you someday soon.
